Violent and Unhealthy Relationships

Now I know this isn’t beauty related, but I feel so strongly about this topic, especially as I see it happening to my peers. Let me start off by saying this probably won’t be a very well structured post, I’m kind of just rambling off the top of my head from things that I have experienced or observed in others’ relationships. So if it seems kind of all over the place.. Well that’s because it is. I’m no relationship expert, hell, I’m only 19 and I’ve only been in 2 serious relationships, including the one I am in now. This is just something that clicked in my mind as I was listening to someone explain to me the struggles in their relationship. I didn’t do research or whatever, this is just my opinion. Also, to clarify, violent doesn’t necessarily mean physical abuse, it can also include verbal and emotional abuse. Any such abuse in a relationship is unhealthy.

I came to this realization at 16, after spending almost 3 years in a very verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I became this punching bag for whenever he had a bad day or was in a bad mood. Nothing I ever did was right and he could never be wrong. I was essentially bullied. I was called names, I was yelled at, I was blamed. Even though I was never physically abused, I was kicked around, I was shoved into this mindset that nothing I could ever do would be good enough and that I had to stick around to prove to him that I really was….. but he loved me.. and he would sweet talk me.. and all of a sudden it’s like I forgot about all these bruises he was leaving all over my confidence and my self esteem. Somehow I thought this was perfectly fine.

Am I the only one that notices this trend on twitter, Instagram, tumblr, etc., that when you and your significant other are fighting all the time, it means that your relationship is strong and that you love each other a billion times more than couples that don’t fight? Or that being extremely territorial over your partner and be jealous of any girl or boy talking to them is just being a good girlfriend/boyfriend? How about this gem I found on tumblr and I quote, word for word, “being in love means never having to say sorry”. I’m sorry… What? It’s like basically if you don’t tell and scream at each other over stupid shit or act obnoxiously jealous all the time, your relationship is shit. Is this why so many of us are in relationships that are so abusive and so controlling?

Yeah, yeah every relationship is different. Some people can calmly talk about their disagreements, others need to scream to get their point across…. but if you’re doing that every other day? Or if it’s constantly over the same exact issue? That’s when it’s not ok, but somehow we’re romanticizing this and twisting it and turning it into making it seem like it’s supposed to happen.. That if your relationship is without it, well then you don’t actually care about this person, do you? But that’s so wrong, it’s just not right and it’s not at all ok.

I feel like if we change this trend of making abusive and unhealthy relationships seem like the only kind of relationship you should have, there would be less likely of a chance that everybody will end up in one. Does that even make sense? Will that even really happen? Probably not… I’m really not sure. I just know that I was in such a horrible place during that 3 years of verbal and emotional abuse and I would never wish that on anyone and it hurts to see people I love and care about in the same exact kind of relationship. Everybody deserves to have the person they love give them enough respect to want to talk about problems and not yell and threaten and throw blame.

We need to start romanticizing the relationships on the opposite end of the spectrum. The ones where you don’t have to yell and scream for them to listen to you, because they’re willing to listen to you talk. The ones where you lift each other up and not bring each other down. The ones where you don’t have to feel insecure about them talking to other women or men.

I get it, I know even if we change this trend, these relationships won’t completely disappear, but just maybe.. More and more people will realize it’s not ok and get out. I can’t tell you how much of a game changer it is to be in a relationship where I don’t have to be scared that he’ll leave me every time he talks to another woman, where we can disagree with each other and not get angry, where we can talk about things that bother us without blaming each other. A relationship where I feel like I am enough, like I am more than enough.

I guess this rant is over. I just want everyone to be happy. I don’t want anybody to ever go through what I went through because it breaks you down. Years later and I’m still trying to build myself up. Know your worth and never settle for somebody that doesn’t value you.